In Which I Talk About Valentine’s Day

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Why, look, it’s Chocolate Sale At Walgreen’s Eve!

Before I start waxing satirically philosophical and making fun of Valentine’s Day, a disclaimer; I don’t know much about the romantic side of the holiday. And by ‘not much’ I mean absolutely nothing. I’m 13, guys, and all my romantic passion has been poured out upon fictional characters and cats. You have been disclaimed. (I have been disclaimed? What does the verb ”disclaim” modify?  This is way too complicated, please ignore me).

Now, according to Wikipedia (which has the answer to all questions, except the one pertaining to Life, The Universe and Everything, and that’s common knowledge), Valentine’s Day began as the celebration of the feast day of an early saint who was named, of course, Valentine.

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Time wore on, and the rest of the world decided this was an ideal time to sabotage people’s New Year’s resolutions and send the chocolates, plus exacerbate their pollen allergies and send them flowers, all in the name of love. And Bing Crosby produced an album of what I hear is terrible music.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t exactly like that….

Nowadays, Valentine’s Day is great if you’re in a that perfect [read: fairytale/nonexistent] romantic relationship.

There’s a dancer meme that circulates every February that I always snicker at.

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Although it’s partially to make myself feel better about my pathetic singles and very rare doubles. And I stumble out of them a lot. It’s really not pretty.

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Isn’t it horrible?

Otherwise…well, do you like mass-produced flavorless candy with cheesy abbreviated messages and horribly GIMP’d heart shaped images of kittens that disgrace the feline race?

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No? Huh, go figure.

  • 144 million Valentines are manufactured and sold in the U.S. alone, according to Hallmark.
  • According to a National Retail Federation Survey, Americans spent $18.2 billion on Valentine’s paraphernalia in 2017.
  • 3% of pet owners purchase valentines for their pets every year (…don’t ask).
  • And yet, 3 in 10 Americans say they skip Valentine’s Day.

And, of course I hear Valentine’s Day can be downright excruciating if you’re single, so some lovely, caring soul created Single Awareness Day, to be celebrated (wallowed in?) on February 14th.

Yeah, I thought that was somewhere between slightly odd and completely ridiculous.

If you’d rather not celebrate Valentine’s Day, but still want an excuse to celebrate something, not to worry, you have options!

  • National Ferris Wheel Day-But depending on your fear of heights, it might make you just as nauseous as reading a cheesy card.
  • National Library Lovers Day-You can go sit in the library with a book, and maybe even fall in love with another fictional character who will probably break your heart and/or die! (Wait, why was I so cheerful…?) Or give chocolates to your favorite librarian.
  • National Cream-Filled Chocolates Day-need I say anything? Chocolate, guys.

Or wait until the 15th and celebrate Unofficial National Chocolate Sale Day. (One day, it will become official, I’m telling you guys).

So even if you have a terrible 14th, the 15th has discount chocolate, and what’s better than that?

I leave you with that semi-encouraging thought. And a picture of my cat.

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Favorite kind of chocolate? Red or pink?

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