5 Hilarious Ways To Deal With Telemarketers

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It’s my 42nd post! Which, if you are an intelligent life form, you should know is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Cheers, cupcakes! 

Telemarketers. We all hate them. I mean, seriously, why? Yes, I know they make a living doing this, but most of them just will not give up trying to sell you some kind of car insurance. When you hang up, they call again, and again, and again….super annoying. In an effort to make these irritating callers go away, I came up with several great ways to make telemarketers leave you alone for good. Plus, they’re all hilarious, so what’s not to like? 

 Technique #1: The No English Trick

This one is pretty self explanatory-when you pick up the phone, string together a couple of non English words (any language will do, they don’t even have to be all the same language) and reply with that.

Telemarketer; Hello, I’m calling about a special credit card feature….

You; Quoi? Como estas mihi nomen revoir?

Telemarketer; Excuse me?

You; Je ne sais quoi? Hola nihao?

Telemarketer; *hangs up*

Sometimes it takes a couple of repetitions for them to go away, but since they normally are trying to bait as many people as possible, they’ll hang up as to not waste time.

Technique #2; Practice Your Singing

A personal favorite of mine, once you realize it’s a telemarketer, wait for them to finish their opening line, and then start singing whatever song makes you happy-very loudly. I love belting out Weird Al or songs from Hamilton (especially You’ll Be Back-gets ’em every time) but anything will work as long as you sing it loud and clear. If the person on the other end doesn’t hang up in 5.7 seconds, consider it a great compliment.

Telemarketer: Hello, I’d like to speak to….about a great deal on car insurance…

You; ”To ten million fireflies/I’m weird ’cause I hate goodbyes/I got misty-eyed as they said FAREWELL…(Fireflies//Owl City)

Telemarketer;….I’m sorry-what are you-can I just say-*hangs up*

Of course, you get the most satisfaction if the telemarketer splutters and keeps trying to get a word in edgewise while you’re singing.

Technique #3; Tell It Like It Is

This trick works especially well on numbers that have been calling you for a while and you just want to get rid of them-just inform them that you are a) a minor and therefore b) they’re wasting their time.

Telemarketer; How would you like to pay your mortgage off in two years?

You; Well, sure that’d be nice….

Telemarketer; Yes…but?

You; But I happen to be a minor female child with a lot of attitude who has your number…

Telemarketer; Um…oh…er…

You; So what was that you were saying about paying off a mortgage?

Telemarketer; *hangs up*

This one is sometimes the most satisfactory.

Technique #4; The Knock-Knock Trick

Okay, sometimes I like getting telemarketers just so I can mess with them. With this technique, just use your favorite knock-knock joke, and I guarantee that number will never call again.

Telemarketer; Hello, I have important information regarding an insurance policy that will pay for itself!

You; Knock-Knock!

Telemarketer; Uh…what?

You; Interrupting cow!

Telemarketer; What are you-

You; MOOOOOOOO!!!

Telemarketer; *hangs up*

Another tip-just saying ”MOOOOO!” very loudly until they hang up is also very handy.

Technique #5; Answering Machine

Another favorite, simply pretend the call has gone to voicemail. Feel free to make the voicemail for anything of anywhere-like Hogwarts or the LEPRecon.

Telemarketer; Hello, I’d like to-

You; Hello, you have reached Camp Half-Blood, 2245 Long Island, New York. We are currently not available due to the fact that we regularly decapitate bloodthirsty monsters, but if you would leave your name and number after the tone….

Telemarketer; *Hangs up*

I recommend using a fictional place everyone knows about for maximum hilarity, but anything works. (if I ever come across a telemarketer who knows what AF is I’ll be happy forever)

Using my techniques,hopefully you can at least have fun when you get junk calls. Because once you get the hang of these, it’s almost entertaining. Sort of like prank calling someone but without actually prank calling someone, haha.

Most ridiculous call you’ve ever received? Favorite way to deal with telemarketers?

lQTi3dvT

 

 

 

Dear Pinterest…

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Dear Pinterest, where would I be without you? On my darkest days, you were there in my favorites bar to console me with ridiculous memes that are only funny when you’re desperate.

Then again, without you, I’d probably have done better on that Latin final, because I’d have studied more if you weren’t there to distract me every 30 seconds.

But you did have gloriously colorful tantalizing pictures of cute flash cards that I was drooling over.

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Yet, the problem with you is that the ideas I get from your library of approximatley 4.7 gazillion images and ideas always turn out looking terrible, from that failed crochet unicorn (ended up with a depressed looking groundhog with a misshapen lump on his forehead) to that time I tried to make keto fudge sauce (ended up with gaggingly sweet chocolate glop).

You were there for all my obsessions, from the ones that lasted two minutes (ombre hair) to the ones that have lasted two years (The Flaaaaaaash….Artemis Fowl!!!)

 

You made me realize that while I may be painfully socially awkward, a complete weirdo, geek, and nerd, I’m not the only one.

There are plenty of other people with my problem, we just only come together on the internet. Oh, joy.

I literally have a board entitled ”So True” for all those pins that make me go; ”OH D’ARVIT YAS”

Dear Pinterest, thank you for being there for all my fangirling needs;


But please, stop making me want so many things, for the love of lemurs, I’m never going to be able to get all of this, I have no money.

Pinterest, thank you for introducing me to LoadingArtist, Odd1sOut, and Sheldon thee Tiny Dinosaur, three hilarious webcomics that have kept me laughing (”What do I have to live for? Oh, wait, new LoadingArtist on Tuesday!”).

Dear Pinterest, you are many things, a distraction, and a great tool. (But mostly a distraction)

So thank you.

Yours Always, Except When I Have Schoolwork Or My Laptop Is Dead,

lQTi3dvT

Thoughts On Pinterest?

Confessions of a Fangirl

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Happy belated Independence Day to my American readers, I hope you didn’t do anything crazy with the fireworks last night.

Everyone’s got a fandom, right? And lots of people are crazy fans, right?

You guys all know I’m ridiculously obsessed with Artemis Fowl. I love it so much. I’m like those Harry Potter loving people who wear Hogwarts sweatshirts and carry wands around wishing they were wizards or witches. Continue reading “Confessions of a Fangirl”