Loser With A Dream

Ever have your dreams crushed?

Fun, right?

Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I auditioned for the ballet company I’ve been trying to get into for three years.

I honestly thought I had a decent shot this year.

Maybe I did, but a chance is still a chance, and when results came out, I got a rejection letter.

…But it was all a mistake, and they meant to send me an acceptance letter and a note saying that I was the greatest dancer they’d ever seen and they were retroactively giving me every solo and pas du deux role they had for all future shows.

I’m kidding, of course. I got a rejection letter and nothing else, then spent three hours in my tree house crying.

And that wasn’t even the worst of it.

Then I found out that two of the girls from what I have privately dubbed “the unholy trio of extreme social jerkishness” got in.

Which will increase their jerkishness gosh-knows-how-many-times.

My friend Tara didn’t get in either. Even though she’s the kind of person who takes things in a stride, before class on Wednesday instead of chatting like we usually do, we just sat in mutual silence, both of us wondering how on earth Sophie and Gina got in and we didn’t. Finally, Tara said, “I sort of feel like a loser.”

I knotted my ribbons slightly tighter than was probably necessary. “That’s okay, we’re losers with a dream!

(Tara just laughed, since she’s used to my insanity)

It was probably not what most people would have said. But this, friends, is what happens to my sense of humor when my dreams get crushed two years in a row. (There was also the matter of the cat, but that’s a story for another day)

If I’m a loser

And I don’t feel ashamed

Life goes on; and if I’m wrong

I guess I’ll burn in flames

~Pocket Full Of Gold//American Authors

So at the moment, I can unabashedly say that last week sucked like a Dyson Vacuum Cleaner. (One of those crazily suction enhanced ones)

But you know what? Just because my circumstances suck doesn’t mean I’m going to let life suck. No, I didn’t get into company. Yes, I’m a loser. But I’m a loser with a dream. And I’m going use everything to my advantage. Life goes on, and as long as I’m breathing and have all my limbs, I’ll be dancing.

Unless the moon explodes

And the sun grows cold

Life will always

It always goes on

~Pocket Full Of Gold//American Authors

Not that’s it’s going to be at all easy. But the amount of support I’ve received after not getting in has helped so much. My entire family tiptoed around me for two days, my little brother trekked through the woods to find my lost ear buds, my mom got me new t-shirts, and my older brother watched my favorite show with me. My friends have been amazing too, especially considering I’ve been a depressed lump last week. Phoenix-Phaedrana sent me freaking adorable cat pictures, my friend Nina made me laugh by just being the wonderful, sweet person she is, and Bayance, who didn’t even know anything was wrong, left me her signature hilarious and apt comments which helped so much.

And hey, not being in company means I can audition for other shows in the area, including a really cool one called Swan Song featuring soul-selling choreographers and tons of dancer jokes. And it means I have extra time to do private pointe lessons.

It’s not what I planned on or fantasized about. But this is plan B, and like Hannibal Smith perpetually says in The A-Team, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

(Never mind that something almost always explodes or goes awry thirty seconds after he says that line)

I had hoped to be learning things like demi-solos and pointe variations this year. Instead, I’m learning different skills, like overcoming obstacles, initiating a plan B, and some serious acting as I stalwartly refuse to let the jerks get to me.

(Also, horror movie screaming. I’ve been screaming into my pillow a lot, but even my angriest screams sound like those terrified ones in misogynistic horror movies where someone just saw a bloody knife. Not a skill I ever thought I’d want or have, but I’ll take what I can get.)

Bottom line? Life isn’t perfect, but it does have the redeeming feature of going on (most of the time).

Throughout this year, I’m going to be auditioning for shows outside of my dance schools, so I’ll make sure to give you updates every now and then.

This year isn’t going to be all terrible, because I have declared and decided so. And that’s half the battle. (Okay, probably close to 35%)

Stay determined, guys. Or just stay in denial, that works too.

Favorite quote for when life is less than ideal?