5 Hilarious Ways To Deal With Telemarketers

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It’s my 42nd post! Which, if you are an intelligent life form, you should know is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. Cheers, cupcakes! 

Telemarketers. We all hate them. I mean, seriously, why? Yes, I know they make a living doing this, but most of them just will not give up trying to sell you some kind of car insurance. When you hang up, they call again, and again, and again….super annoying. In an effort to make these irritating callers go away, I came up with several great ways to make telemarketers leave you alone for good. Plus, they’re all hilarious, so what’s not to like? 

 Technique #1: The No English Trick

This one is pretty self explanatory-when you pick up the phone, string together a couple of non English words (any language will do, they don’t even have to be all the same language) and reply with that.

Telemarketer; Hello, I’m calling about a special credit card feature….

You; Quoi? Como estas mihi nomen revoir?

Telemarketer; Excuse me?

You; Je ne sais quoi? Hola nihao?

Telemarketer; *hangs up*

Sometimes it takes a couple of repetitions for them to go away, but since they normally are trying to bait as many people as possible, they’ll hang up as to not waste time.

Technique #2; Practice Your Singing

A personal favorite of mine, once you realize it’s a telemarketer, wait for them to finish their opening line, and then start singing whatever song makes you happy-very loudly. I love belting out Weird Al or songs from Hamilton (especially You’ll Be Back-gets ’em every time) but anything will work as long as you sing it loud and clear. If the person on the other end doesn’t hang up in 5.7 seconds, consider it a great compliment.

Telemarketer: Hello, I’d like to speak to….about a great deal on car insurance…

You; ”To ten million fireflies/I’m weird ’cause I hate goodbyes/I got misty-eyed as they said FAREWELL…(Fireflies//Owl City)

Telemarketer;….I’m sorry-what are you-can I just say-*hangs up*

Of course, you get the most satisfaction if the telemarketer splutters and keeps trying to get a word in edgewise while you’re singing.

Technique #3; Tell It Like It Is

This trick works especially well on numbers that have been calling you for a while and you just want to get rid of them-just inform them that you are a) a minor and therefore b) they’re wasting their time.

Telemarketer; How would you like to pay your mortgage off in two years?

You; Well, sure that’d be nice….

Telemarketer; Yes…but?

You; But I happen to be a minor female child with a lot of attitude who has your number…

Telemarketer; Um…oh…er…

You; So what was that you were saying about paying off a mortgage?

Telemarketer; *hangs up*

This one is sometimes the most satisfactory.

Technique #4; The Knock-Knock Trick

Okay, sometimes I like getting telemarketers just so I can mess with them. With this technique, just use your favorite knock-knock joke, and I guarantee that number will never call again.

Telemarketer; Hello, I have important information regarding an insurance policy that will pay for itself!

You; Knock-Knock!

Telemarketer; Uh…what?

You; Interrupting cow!

Telemarketer; What are you-

You; MOOOOOOOO!!!

Telemarketer; *hangs up*

Another tip-just saying ”MOOOOO!” very loudly until they hang up is also very handy.

Technique #5; Answering Machine

Another favorite, simply pretend the call has gone to voicemail. Feel free to make the voicemail for anything of anywhere-like Hogwarts or the LEPRecon.

Telemarketer; Hello, I’d like to-

You; Hello, you have reached Camp Half-Blood, 2245 Long Island, New York. We are currently not available due to the fact that we regularly decapitate bloodthirsty monsters, but if you would leave your name and number after the tone….

Telemarketer; *Hangs up*

I recommend using a fictional place everyone knows about for maximum hilarity, but anything works. (if I ever come across a telemarketer who knows what AF is I’ll be happy forever)

Using my techniques,hopefully you can at least have fun when you get junk calls. Because once you get the hang of these, it’s almost entertaining. Sort of like prank calling someone but without actually prank calling someone, haha.

Most ridiculous call you’ve ever received? Favorite way to deal with telemarketers?

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42 thoughts on “5 Hilarious Ways To Deal With Telemarketers

  1. I hate telemarketers. My sisters and I used to scheme ways we would talk to them when we were older and had our own phones (the one I remember the best is pretending that they had reached the voicemail of Barbie 😂) I totally should sing that would be awesome.

    Once, I remember my dad having an argument with them. He wanted to be taken off the list. I don’t remember everything that he said, just that the conversation lasted a while, we were all sitting there because we’d been watching a movie, and he seriously roasted them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooh, voicemail of Barbie is a GREAT one!
      I gave up asking to be taken off the list a looong time ago…they always feign innocence and are like, ”what list??” lol.
      Thanks for commenting, Julia!
      {Natalie}

      Like

  2. Once, a telemarketer called and my grandma answered the phone. The person was trying to sell vinyl siding or some other useless item, so she just said, “Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m just the upstairs maid.” LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Really? I’m reading the second book, too! I freaking love that series, lol.
      ”Don’t you try to outweird me, four-eyes, I get weirder things than you in my breakfast cereal~Zaphod Beeblebrox”
      Though being psychic would be very handy…
      {Natalie}

      Liked by 1 person

  3. First of all now you got me excited to get one of these 😂 Imagine if my spam comments came in phone calls – it would be “hey I want noodles or else you’ll drown in pee”. Ugh yes I want to sing now and knock knock jokes oml 😂 I usually just hang up on these but once they called when I was 9 and this guy has a very thick accent so I couldn’t understand anything. He was like “hdhsjksndgysi computer man?” And I was like I don’t want computer man, spider man or Batman and hung up 😂😂 Also, lately I’ve been receiving spam calls from ottowa. They threaten to take your insurance or something like that and use your voice to hack stuff so I hang up whenever I see an Ottawa area code. Once I got a phone call in science class and once I got a phone call in the middle of the mosque and it was Friday prayer which a lot of people attend. So yeah, telemarketers are the worst 😭 Great posy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG I should have put ”Read Your Spam Comments” in there as one of the techniques! Maybe I need a pt. 2.
      I probably would have been like ”I’m only interested in Iron Man, sorry,”, lol. I get a lot of ones from Elkton, CA, but there’s an Elkton, Maryland, too, so I keep thinking it’s someone I know, but then, noooo….
      Ouch, in the middle of prayer in a mosque?! At my church they actually remind everyone to shut off their phones ”to enhance the dignity of our liturgy” which I think is the nice way of saying ”shut ’em off or heaven will strike you down for interrupting Mass”
      Telemarketers are definitely the worst. But at least they’re fun to mess with!
      Neat commy!
      {Natalie}

      Like

      1. YES WE NEED A PART 2!! 😂 Hahahah omg 😂😂😂 Ikr sometimes I’m like but wait what if someone wants to actually talk to me but then I heard the voice mail and it’s all Chinese so I’m safe.
        I knowww! I always end up forgetting to put it back on loud again so I just keep it on. But yeah, I quickly put it on silent after. Mothers bring their babies to mosques too and in churches I think you guys have benches to sit and pray but we pray on rugs and I’m not sure if you’ve seen how before but anyways. So some mothers put their babies down in front of them and some of them crawl over to other people and oml I try to keep my laughter in so I end up closing my eyes. There’s so many things that go wrong at mosques because of kids so *hint* post idea *hint*.
        Great responsy!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oooh, rugs? We have pews, which are basically fancy benches, but rugs sound kind of like fun. OMG, I’d never be able to hold in my laughter if some baby just crawled up to me, haha. One time at my church, some little kid just started singing the Sesame Street theme song right in the middle of the holiest (and quietest) part of Mass, and my brother and I just looked at each other and were like ”must…not…laugh…”
        You’ve gotta do that post!!
        Cool reply-y!

        Like

      3. Ikk my little brother used to come on my back while I was praying. Okay this is hard to explain but I’ll briefly go over how a rakaa is done (a certain amount of these are done in each prayer). So you start off standing, then hands on knees with your back parallel to the floor. Then back standing again. Then down with your knees, feet, palms and head is on the ground (this position has a lot of scientifically proven benefits too) but my brother takes that opportunity and jumps on my back with his arms on my shoulder. And after you do that twice, you get up again so he’s here expecting a piggy back ride but I’m here trying to push him off without losing focus. I don’t know if that was easy to visualize but ugh kids!! Hahahha omg sesame street 😂 I have a bunch of ideas for it so thank youuu.
        Cool reply-y-y!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. OMG I’m definitely using the voicemail one next time a telemarketer calls me. “You have reached Hotel Valhalla, no valid address since we have doors in all the nine worlds. The staff are currently attending a massacre in the Italian cooking to death class, but don’t hesitate to leave a message and Hunding will get back to you.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I just found this and I love this.
    There was this time my brother answered the phone, and without giving the telemarketer a chance to talk, he immediately belted out “happy holidays!” in a high pitched squealy tone.

    It was June.

    XD I’m gonna go practice now. “Hi this SHIELD and we can’t pick up right now, our director was shot thanks to you pressing the button- you know what I mean.”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Yessss Natalie! This is officially HILARIOUS!!! 😂 This post definitely shows you how to deal with those annoying calls & show them that they are wrong for calling you & interrupting your day!! 😂 Loved it, Autumn x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. All of these are great, Natalie!!! 😂 Most of the telemarketer calls I get are recordings 🙄 so these may not work very well for me. However, it has given me a good plan if I ever get a call from a real person!

    Liked by 1 person

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